04/10/2006
How
embarassing. I've had the wrong link for news forever. I fixed it
now and I know hardly anyone would have looked at the wrong page from my link
but I am still embarassed.
My website (sic) is almost a
year old. I think I'll change the front page. There's plenty going
on but it's not on the tip of my brain or not ready to be out here in the cold
of cyberspace. I'm going to go affect some change in my yard.
Instead of my work, check out http://jasonthielke.com Jason Thielke
04/18/2006
News that was on my mind: Dangers of the housing
market & Roe v Wade in the States.
06/18/2006
Well,
I've used the excuse of waiting for web software long enough. I was kind
of holding off until I could revamp the site. It needs it. I am
still here and so is the site. Here goes.
Not that
there was any cliffhanger here, my own girlfriend and brother say they don't
read my site. I guess it's an exercise in narcissism. Speaking of
fame and cliffhangers, sports racers may have fucked themselves by becoming a
bunch of raving assholes and followers. I am not a veteran viewer of
http://www.zefrank.com/theshow Ze Frank's The Show but I've been watching
thanks to Chris for about a month as it's exploded in popularity. Whether
he continues the show after a climax of showing his naked butt clenching a
towel, and then pulling the show off the site -precipitating an unprecedented
outpouring of hard charging and defending- may be immaterial. Many viewers
flared their true colors as no different from the people that prompted him to
end every show stating he "was thinking so you don't have to". It was a
good run and the credit goes to Ze, especially if he walks away... at least for
a bit.
Edwin and I have tried to settle into a routine with
our Mom with fair success. She has had her heart broken repeatedly by her
crush on an employee. He's an activities guy, so he sings and plays the
piano and makes sure they have a good time. Apparently part of Mom has
decided he's there to court her and then she's crushed when he has to brush her
off to keep his job (not to mention his selfrespect and sanity). She
changes clothes five times a day hoping one outfit will change the tide.
He can't be much older than Edwin and I. She calls crying and calling him
a bastard... that's her favorite word for him. Each time I've succeeded in
bringing her around and leaving her laughing, and the tears dry. I wonder
how many times I can and what good it does except for my own
ego.
I haven't written much about Elise here. She's in Nashville right now
wrestling some demons from the old world. I can't know what it was like to
have grown up under parents like hers, especially her Mom. I struggle to
write something about emotional baggage and healing and leaving those hurts
behind. But it doesn't seem to fit my love for her and my own
situation. Granted that my own growing up was like a lot of kids... a
divorce, therapy sessions of horror and healing, a move... most mechanizations
of which were revealed only in time as I aged and grasped or were granted.
I never doubted for one moment that my parents loved me. Whatever
obstacles my Mom had to becoming her person, fulfilling her life as she dared,
are coming to an end in Alzheimer's. She gave everything she could for
Edwin and I, in every way she knew how. Her models were flawed and as
happy and bright a soul as she is, there will be a great relief within myself
someday. As for my Dad, I wrote to him in May that there was no one I
could be more proud of to have as my Dad. Whatever obstacles my Dad still
has, he's displayed the faith and tenacity to overcome more in his life than I
will ever have to. Maybe that's all it takes. My favorite cookie
fortune is on my fridge and it says, "He who has faith has everything". My
Dad showed me, maybe unknowingly along with all the other epiphanies that stuck
to the ribs, what could be done and I believed.
Maybe what
I blame on faith overlaps largely with hope, but it works and I don't take it
for granted. Elise had to escape to literature, to love, to art for
something like it. What I am coming to, and didn't know it was my
destination when I started today, is that faith and that hope burn desperately
bright between us. The envy of the lonely heart is in my palm when I hold
her hand. The ground moves. Just as it is said that faith moves
mountains, that is the love between us. I do not forget what is larger
than us. I do not take one blink, one shared breath for
granted.
The above is an example of what happens when you
avoid expressing yourself for over a month. It is not recommended. I
note that it is Father's Day as well as the one year anniversary of my
website.
06/28/2006
As most of the events that pertain to this
entry occurred in July, you may view them in the next journal
quarter.